Step Nine: Make Amends
by brookemopolitan
Summary: Jim Beckett has been sober for ten years. This is the story of his addiction. An offshoot of the Cassie Beckett universe. Rated for content (strong discussion of substance abuse).


**So, as it turns out... I really, REALLY missed writing Cassie. Then this popped into my head. Fair warning, you will have to have read Her Mirror and Her Opposite for any of this to make sense. Its a fun fantastical universe where I decided that Kate has a little sister who was living overseas.**

**WARNING: This story focusses very heavily on Jim Beckett's alcoholism. I've dealt with it as tastefully as I can manage, but if fiction about addiction is going to be any sort of trigger for you, this may not be the fic for you. This fic was inspired by hearing the testimonies of several reformed alcoholics, and is peppered slightly with my own real life experiences (several members of my extended family are addicts of varying descriptions, reformed and otherwise).**

**Disclaimer: I own Cassie. And a few packets of oreo wafers.**

* * *

Cassie was steadily working on her first charcoal piece for her fine arts class, a French jazz album softly pulsing in the background. Alexis was out on a daddy/daughter date and Alex was steadily editing his latest novel. The apartment was totally empty and Cassie had her art equipment spread out on every surface she could find. She was totally lost in the moment and she jumped when she heard a knock at the door.

Careful not to leave a trail of charcoal dust on the hardwood floors of the apartment, Cassie carefully opened the door.

Kate shot Cassie a grin, waving a bottle of wine and several take out boxes. "You want some company?"

* * *

Cassie cleared away her sketches and had plates and wine glasses on the table, as Kate lit candles around the room.

"Dish all, Katya. How is married life treating you?" Cassie demanded, twirling her wine glass by the stem.

Kate couldn't help the blush that spread across her cheeks, teeth nibbling her lower lip. "It's really great," she replied.

"Kate, are you giggling?"

"Shut up, Cassie," Kate replied. "How's your writer boy?" Kate asked, quickly changing topics.

"He's a gentleman," Cassie answered.

"Is that a bad thing?" Kate asked.

Cassie shrugged, dishing herself out a serving of chilli cashew chicken. "It's weird," she confessed. "I've never had anybody like, open a car door for me, or pull out my chair or anything like that."

"Not once?" Kate asked.

"Nope. And don't give me that look, I know you've dated some real prizes," Cassie teased. "It's weird because… I really like it," she confessed. Cassie felt a blush pepper her own cheeks, and she took a healthy swig of wine before she continued. "He treats me like I'm a… porcelain doll or something. It's like I'm this precious thing and he doesn't want to damage me in any way. Which is laughable in itself because I'm damaged goods anyway."

"You are not damaged goods," Kate interjected.

"We haven't slept together yet," Cassie blurted out. "We've been joined at the hip since like, the week after the wedding and he hasn't tried a damn thing. It's been over two months and we've barely kissed. Do you know what kind of record that is for me? And I have no idea where I even stand with him. Are we together? Are we friends who occasionally make out? He was so sweet at the wedding, now I'm starting to think it was all talk."

"As long as you don't wait four years, I think you'll survive the unresolved sexual tension," Kate soothed her. "He's trying to show you that he likes you, you dweeb. He's trying to prove that he wants you for more than your hot tattooed body."

"Yeah, well, this hot tattooed body is totally going to jump his bones the next time she sees him. I think it's time to be proactive."

Kate giggled into her plate. "And when will you next see him?"

"I have no idea. He's editing and apparently that means he needs to live like a hermit."

"Castle's just getting started on the latest Nikki book. He regularly walks away mid-sentence to start writing. It drives me insane."

"The price we pay for getting involved with writers?"

* * *

"Cass, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about," Kate broached the subject carefully, plopping down on the couch after refilling Cassie's wine glass.

"Talk to me."

"I don't know if you've looked at the date recently," Kate began. Cassie scrubbed a hand over her face, but didn't speak. "It's coming up on Dad's ten year anniversary of being sober."

"Trust me, I know the date, Katie." Cassie curled up on the couch, twisting so she wasn't directly facing her sister.

"Cassie, just hear me out," Kate asked. Cassie shrugged.

"I know you and Dad are working on stuff, and I know that you're getting along with him for the first time in years and trust me kid, that is such a relief." Kate sighed, hoping desperately that she was getting through to her sister. "Dad's been asked to give his testimony for the anniversary of being ten years sober. I think you should come along."

Cassie sighed heavily. "Katie, I lived his drinking for five years. I don't need to hear him talk about it." She turned to face her sister, dropping her wine glass on the table, suddenly unable to face the burgundy liquid. "We're getting along so well and I don't want to have to be mad at him again."

"I know you dealt with a hell of a lot in those few years, and I'm sorry you had to do it alone, but Cass, I really do think that this could help. Maybe if you hear what was going on in Dad's head, you'll understand some of his behaviour a little better." Kate reached out and squeezed Cassie's knee. "I'm just asking you to think about it. You don't have to commit to anything."

"I will think about it," Cassie promised.

* * *

A few days later, Alex insisted on walking Cassie up to her door after taking her out to dinner at a tiny Lebanese restaurant in the Bowery.

Cassie went to unlock her door and turned to face Alex, bracing the frame. "So, here's the thing," she began. "I'm freaking out. And me freaking out is never good. Me freaking out leads to cross continent travel and right now I'm feeling like Mexico would be gorgeous at this time of year, but Kate has my passport, so I can't go to Mexico. I guess the next best thing would be New Mexico and if you leave, I'm going to go on an impromptu road trip to New Mexico and I don't even have a car, so I guess I'm catching a train to New Mexico and I don't even know what's in New Mexico," Cassie knew she was rambling and to her horror, she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. "I know I'm kind of a basket case. I know I'm not glamorous like the girls that throw themselves at you at your at book signings, I pick my nose sometimes and I'm emotionally inappropriate," Cassie forced herself to slow down, tears starting to spill down her cheeks. "But Alex, I need you to stay with me tonight. I have no idea where I stand with you and right now, I don't even think it matters to me if we're just friends, or if we're something more. I just need to not be alone."

Alex reached out to wipe the tears from Cassie's cheek. "Do you really think that I don't like you?" He asked.

Cassie let out a watery giggle. "Is that really what you got from all of that?" She asked.

"If I didn't like you, I wouldn't want to spend time with you. I wouldn't lie awake at night, wanting you with me," his thumb gently stroked her cheek. "I was raised a certain way. I was taught that you always open the door for a woman; that you take care of the cheque when you're on a date. Chivalry started with the knights, it's the only way I get to feel like a badass." Alex leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Cassie's lips. "Trust me, Cassie, it is not because I don't like you. I'm not rushing because I like you." He punctuated his declaration with a gentle kiss.

"Do you want to come in?" Cassie asked. "If you want, it can actually just be for coffee. In fact, that's probably better. I think I'd die of humiliation if this turned into pity sex."

Alex laced his fingers with hers. "Lead the way."

* * *

Alex prided himself on being a gentleman. He was most certainly not going to paw through Cassie's drawers when she was in the shower, but that didn't mean he couldn't explore what she'd left out in the open.

Her room was a hotchpotch of cultures. Her wall of photos was particularly intriguing. Interspersed between photos of her travels were shots from the wedding, photos of Cassie and Alexis at the Statue of Liberty, tacky fake crowns atop their heads and a particularly interesting photo of Cassie at the Old Haunt.

"Enjoying yourself?" Cassie asked. She strode back into the room, clad in a camisole and a tiny pair of sleep shorts. She took the towel off her head and began weaving her hair into a damp braid.

"Actually, yeah," Alex replied. "I'm trying to work this photo out though," He admitted, pointing to the shot.

Cassie smiled. "We have dress up nights at work for time to time. We use them to raise funds for charities and they're a lot of fun for the staff," Cassie plopped down on her bed, picked up a tube of lotion and began to rub it into her legs, very aware of where Alex's eyes were drawn to. "That night, we had to dress up as who we wanted to be when we grew up. I dressed up as Kate."

Alex couldn't help his chuckle.

"You're laughing at me!" Cassie gasped.

"A little bit, yeah," Alex admitted, moving towards her.

"But I'm a bit cute, right?"

"You are a little bit cute," he agreed, pressing his lips against hers. He slowly pulled away and sat down next to Cassie. "Cassie, you seemed pretty distressed before. What has you so upset you want to run away to New Mexico?"

She flopped back onto the bed. She wasn't sure she could deal with Alex's piercing eyes boring into hers for this. "You know that my mom was murdered," she began. "I was just a kid when it happened. Kate ran away and became a cop. My dad drank." Cassie smiled when she felt Alex's hand trace her kneecap. "Dad was a mean drunk. He got sober and our relationship completely fell apart. It fell apart to the point where I didn't even tell him that I was moving to England. I just did it." She rested her hand of Alex's, stilling his movement. "Dad's been sober for ten years. He's giving his testimony tomorrow and Kate asked me to go, and I am terrified."

Alex lay down next to her. "Why are you so scared?"

"I can finally stand to be in the same room as my Dad. I'm not scared to hug him anymore. What if I hear what he has to say and it sends me right back to being that fourteen year old girl who hid in the bathtub, sobbing into a handtowel because she was so scared of her old man? We've finally gotten somewhere. I just don't want to lose what we have," Cassie finally managed to articulate the lump in her chest into words.

"The Cassie Beckett I know is fearless. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she doesn't back away from a challenge, ever. You can do this, Cassie. I think you should at least consider going."

Cassie looked at him with slightly glassy eyes. "I hope you're not so much of a gentleman that you think you're going to sleep on the couch."

* * *

Cassie sat at her vanity, meticulously applying her makeup.

"Putting on your war paint?" Alex asked, propping himself up on pillows.

Cassie looked at him through the reflection of the mirror. "Something like that," she replied. "Kate promised that there'll be really good coffee."

"Well, you look beautiful. And fierce. And I don't mean that in a Tyra Banks way."

Cassie smiled, opening her jewellery box and pulling out a pair of her mother's favourite studs to wear.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alex asked.

Cassie moved to perch on the bed, sitting so that she was she was facing him. "Thank you so much for offering," she began, "But I think I need to do this on my own. Besides, I don't think it would be the best way to introduce my Dad to my boyfriend. Assuming that's what you are."

"I consider it an honour," Alex told her gently, his rakish wink managing to not making him sound like a total cliché.

Cassie picked up her handbag. "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen and just make sure you pull the door shut on your way out. I'll call you later this afternoon," she promised. She blew him a kiss and hustled out of the front door, before she totally lost her nerve and crawled straight back into bed.

* * *

Kate was right. They did have really good coffee. Cassie placed her empty cup on the floor next to her seat, and proceeded to fidget.

"Cassie, relax," Kate muttered underneath her breath, reaching out to still Cassie's bouncing knee.

"I can't relax. I'm about thirty seconds from going Thelma and Louise here, Katie," Cassie hissed back. Cassie's heart jumped into her throat when she saw her Dad step up to the mike.

"Hello everyone," He began. "My name is Jim, and I'm an alcoholic. It's been ten years to the day since my last drink."

Cassie couldn't deny that her father had an excellent speaking style. His tone was measured and he instantly drew in the entire room. "I can't say I remember my very first drink. Alcohol was a very normal part of my childhood. My father fought in the Korean War and it wasn't unusual for him to use Dr. Walker to help him sleep. He said it helped keep the wolves from howling in his soul."

Cassie felt the tension slowly drain out of her body. Perhaps she could just pretend that this wasn't her family's dirty laundry airing out. "I was a good student. I worked hard in college and I got into Columbia to go to law school. I fell in love with New York and eventually my internship turned into a job."

Jim paused to take a sip of water. "I was just starting out, working mostly in class action litigations. Then there was this girl," he shrugged as a chuckle echoed throughout the room. "Her name was Johanna and she was a criminal attorney. I was in love with her from the second I saw her in the elevator. It took me three years to get the guts up to ask her out. We were married within a year."

"About a year after we got married, along came our first daughter. My beautiful Katie. She was a hard headed little thing. Jo always joked she didn't get a look in on her. Sorry kid, but you're a mini me," Kate blushed, running a hand through her hair when the eyes of the room swung to her.

"Ten years later, along came our baby. Cass was our surprise kid. If Kate is my spitting image, Cassie is all Jo. Cassie's here for the first time today, so make sure you all flood her with attention after I finish speaking," he joked. Cassie shrugged, giving Jim a little wave from the stage.

"It was January. Jo was working on a big case. She wouldn't give me the details, but she said it was the kind of case that would change the entire city." Jim drew a deep breath.

"Cassie was nine. She was staying with her grandparents for the evening. Johanna and I were supposed to take Kate out for dinner before she went back to Stanford. Jo never showed. It wasn't unusual. She regularly lost track of time when she was working a case, so Katie and I had dinner like it was nothing.

"It turns out she missed dinner because she'd been attacked. My wife, my beautiful Jo was stabbed in an alley. There was an investigation, and it was eventually written off as gang violence."

Jim paused for a second. When he resumed talking, his voice was considerably more choked. "At first, I was a zombie. I was totally numb. I kept expecting Jo to walk through the front door. When it finally clicked that it was never going to happen, I turned to the one thing that I knew would make the wolves stop howling. At first, it was a glass of Scotch before bed. Something to settle my nerves and help me sleep. Then it turned into a glass or two over lunch, just to bolster me up for the rest of the working day. Before I knew it, it was Scotch for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then getting myself so slobberingly drunk at night I would pass out, and if I passed out, I wouldn't have to dream of Jo."

Kate looked over at Cassie. Her head was bowed, and she was completely rigid with tension. Kate gently settled a hand between Cassie's shoulder blades, running soothing fingers up and down her spine.

"Katie transferred over to NYU three weeks after the funeral. She was locked away studying and she eventually joined the New York Police Department, where she now works as a homicide detective. She wasn't really exposed to the worst of my drinking. Cassie was just a kid. She was nine years old when her mother died, and then she got to watch me kill myself.

"I'm a mean son of a bitch when I drink and Cassie bore the brunt of it. I knew that she spent a lot of time hiding at her grandmother's, but when her grandmother passed away, she had nowhere to escape to." Jim paused, pressing his fist to his mouth before he continued. "I'll never forget it. Cassie had just come home from a school trip to DC. She was fourteen. I'd taken her being away as an excuse to take a few days sick leave, and drink myself into a blind stupor. Cassie was an old hand at putting me to bed, but this time, I wasn't so easy to wake up. She panicked and called 911. I woke up halfway through her call, and went ballistic.

"I told her she was never supposed to be born. That I wish she'd died instead of her mother. Threw empty beer bottles at her head. And that's the stuff that I remember. God knows what else I put my baby through."

Cassie grit her teeth. Memories of that night threatened to overwhelm her. Her dad had no idea just what she'd experienced that night.

"Not long after, Katie sat me down. Turns out she'd been trying to solve her Mom's murder, unsatisfied that Jo's death had been the result of gang violence. Said we were both addicts of one description or another and we had to get ourselves healthy. She got Cassie into a good school and got me into rehab.

"Step number nine of the twelve step program is to make amends. I could face Katie. She was cut from the same cloth as me; on some level, she understood," Jim paused, searching Cassie out in the crowd.

"Every time I saw Cassie, I swore it would be different. I swore I'd be brave enough to sit her down and beg her forgiveness for the hell I put her through," He paused. "I just couldn't. Every single time I looked at Cassie, all I could see was Jo. Cassie has her mother's gumption and every time I looked into my baby's face, all I could see was not only how badly I'd failed her, but also how badly I'd failed Jo. I didn't protect my baby. I was a failure of a father. I screwed up the one thing I swore I never would and every time I saw my beautiful daughter, all I could feel was my shame."

Jim stopped to consult his notes and Cassie fumbled blindly in her handbag for a tissue. "Cassie hated me and she had every right to. She refused to speak to me, and within a week of her graduating high school, she'd packed her bags and moved to England, without mentioning a word to me. I had to wait five years until she could even stand being in the same room as me."

Cassie could feel the tears leaking down her cheeks now. She let Kate slip an arm around her shoulder and she burrowed into her sister's embrace.

"I have been tempted many times over the years to start drinking again. I've even gone so far as to walk into a bar and order a beer. My wife was murdered. I lost my soulmate and my beautiful daughters lost their mother. Something was stolen from us that day, and it will never truly be okay. But I refuse to allow my girls to lose their father again and if I ever touch a drop of alcohol, they will. They're my reason for staying sober. I'm proud to say that it's been ten years since my last drink. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story."

Cassie waited for the crowd to start to disperse and gravitate toward the coffee machine before she made her move. When she finally stood, she didn't hesitate. She rushed towards her father, throwing her arms around him, burying her face into the crook of his neck.

"I'm so sorry I was so awful to you," she mumbled through a fresh wave of tears.

"No, Cassie," Jim responded, gently stroking her head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through."

Kate hung back, watching her little sister cling to her father for dear life, the pair of them quietly weeping, both murmuring apologies. Her family had been broken irreparably on that January night fifteen years ago, but she was grateful to see that it had finally healed. She didn't hesitate when Cassie reached out to her. Kate was folded into the Beckett huddle. They were all damaged one way or another by Johanna's loss, but instead of letting that damage keep them separated the way that it had all those years, they finally found a way to let it unite them.

_fin_

* * *

**There are various networks of support for dealing with addiction, as well as organisations that exist to support family members of addicts. If this is an issue in your life, PLEASE get help.**

**I know that this is a somewhat controversial topic, so I would really love to hear what you think. I haven't seen a great deal of fiction that deals with Jim's addiction, so I'd love to have some dialogue :)**


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